The Occupiers’ World Awaits

The Occupiers’ World Awaits

By David
P. McGinley

My most heartfelt wish for the mindless minions
currently “Occupy[ing] Wall Street” is that someday, hopefully soon, they get to
live in a world based upon their dim-witted delusions.  Actually, though, if
these collectivist cretins are indeed serious, that world is already
here.

 

It’s called the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea
(aka communist North Korea).  In North Korea, there are no evil corporations or
banks to ruin Occupiers’ lives, because another pair of collectivist cretins,
Kim Il-sung and his creepy son Kim Jung-il, got rid of them long ago.  In fact,
along with ridding North Korea of everything other than the glorious state, the
Kim Klan has either already met most of the Occupier’s nattering
demands
or simply made them superfluous.

 

For demands one (that is not a typo — there are a lot
of demands in demand one), “the restoration of the living wage,” North Korea has
followed the Occupiers’ proposed playbook and ended “Freetrade [sic]” by
creating a trade-free society.  Additionally, in North Korea, there is no need
to slap “trade tariffs” on imports of “cheap products” to “level the playing
field” because the Kims have created an import-free society as well.  As for the
“twenty dollar an hour minimum wage” demand,  life is just too short (literally)
in the Kimdom to worry about something so inconsequential when one is privileged
to live under the cradle-to-(early-)grave care of the “Dear
Leader.”

 

Demand two, “a universal single payer healthcare
system,” was instituted way back in 1948.  For more than sixty years now, all of
North Korea’s lucky citizens have received the same horrendous level of medical
treatment.  The Occupiers will be heartened to know that everyone does his or
her “fair share” of suffering.  And fear not, dear Occupiers — because the
government is in charge, greedy private insurers cannot take money away from
doctors, nurses, and hospitals…because there is no money.  But the biggest
benefit is that there are no big pharmaceutical companies to stick it to the
average North Korean by producing life-saving drugs (or any drugs, for that
matter) and selfishly expecting payment for them.

 

There is really good news when it comes to demand
three, a “[g]uaranteed living wage income regardless of employment.”  The cost
of living (i.e., barely surviving) is real cheap in North Korea, with the
average North Korean living (i.e., barely surviving) on one dollar per month.
Additionally, there are almost no jobs, so employment is not a
concern.

 

The good news just keeps coming as the benevolent Kims
have already met demand four: “free college education.”  But there are a few
strings attached, such as that you do not get to go to the college of your
choice, if you get to go at all; that would be up to the state.  Also, sometimes
the benevolent North Korean government might decide to send you to a
re-education institution instead (maybe for publicly demonstrating, or just
because it feels like it).  But, on the bright side, there are no student loans
to pay off — only the continued payment of a lifelong servitude to the
state.

Demand five is one the Kim Klan has made unnecessary:
“begin a fast track process to bring the fossil fuel economy to an end while at
the same bringing the alternative energy economy up to energy demand.”  There is
no economy in North Korea, so there is no need to fuel it.  However, on the
bright side, the North Koreans do use an alternative energy — burning feces —
to heat their homes during the winter.

 

Demand six is another superfluous petition: “One
trillion dollars in infrastructure (Water, Sewer, Rail, Roads and Bridges and
Electrical Grid) spending now.”  The Kims have made it so North Korea does not
need roads and bridges because no one can afford a car anyway, and an electrical
grid is just a wasted expense in a country with barely any electricity.  Anyway,
the Dear Leader already makes sure everyone gets his “fair share” of
electricity, and he has been quite generous and innovative with North Korea’s
water and sewer systems; both openly run together through the
streets.

 

The Occupier’s seventh demand of “[o]ne trillion
dollars in ecological restoration planting forests, reestablishing wetlands and
the natural flow of river systems and decommissioning of all of America’s
nuclear power plants” maybe one demand too far even for the little miracle
worker Kim Jung Il.  First off, North Korea is a Democratic People’s Republic
and, as in all Democratic Peoples’ Republics, ecology is always the state’s
official number one concern so any restoration is simply not needed.  Second,
there is very little the Dear Leader can do to personally shut down America’s
nuclear power plants but maybe he can get the Obama Administration to do so as a
concession the next time he throws a fit and threatens to blow up the
world.

 

Demand eight for a “[r]acial and gender equal rights
amendment” is not necessary because all North Koreans are the same race and
regardless of gender all are treated like prisoners.  Of course, all the
Occupiers are not of the same race (though 99% are white) but, rest assured, the
Dear Leader would be more than glad to treat them like prisoners
too.

 

Though not specifically meeting demand nine for
“[o]pen borders migration. anyone [sic] can travel anywhere to work and live,”
at least the Kim Klan does not discriminate (like the evil U.S.) in its border
policies.  Simply put, no one is allowed in or out of North Korea, and if you do
leave, your family will be imprisoned and/or killed.  The policy is a bit
brutal, but it is equally implemented, so at least it is
“fair.”

 

Demand number ten is something about “fair elections,”
which is moot because there are no elections in North Korea.  Thus, everyone
fairly and equally has the right not to vote, so there is no chance that Wall
Street money will corrupt the political process.  And not having elections
provides the extra benefit of doing away with the necessity for racist policies
like requiring photo ID at the polling places.

 

Demand eleven, “[i]mmediate across the board debt
forgiveness for all,” has been met in spades.  The North Korean government
unilaterally forgives all of its debts by simply refusing to pay (not that it
could).  And of course there is no consumer debt, because there is nothing to
consume.

 

Demand twelve, to “[o]utlaw all credit reporting
agencies,” like universal health care, was taken care of in 1948.  Regrettably,
some shooting was involved.

 

And finally, demand thirteen is about the right of the
worker to easily unionize.  Everyone already knows that there is no need for
unions in a worker’s paradise like North Korea.  All citizens voluntarily work
for the good of the state because failing to do so will get them shot.  Also,
there are barely any jobs in North Korea, so that is another reason why
unionizing is not an issue.

 

Maybe in the next “lies for food and oil” swindle Kim
Jong-il perpetrates on the morons in the U.S. State Department, we could at
least throw in a few thousand Occupiers as part of the deal.  Everyone would
win: 99.999% of Americans would be rid of these fools, and the Occupiers would
get to live in the world they demand.

 

David P. McGinley, an
attorney from McLean, VA, is a visiting professor at Handong International Law
School in South Korea.

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