Saturday Tales From 57 States: His Obamaness and The Chrysler
So many and varied were the powers of His Obamaness that with tongue alone He could change the meaning of words, as happened one day in the Realm of 57 States.
Once upon a time, His Obamaness, POTUS in the ninth year of the third millennium, spoke to the Realm and said,
“Bankruptcy is not a sign of weakness for [The] Chrysler, but rather a sign of strength.”
Now, of the three ox cart makers in the Realm, The Chrysler was the one most vexed by the challenge of cart-making. Although its carts were often beautiful to behold, the people of the Realm did not always look with great favor upon them as a way to carry their soccer balls, dogs, and vegetables.
So few people were surprised when The Chrysler had no more coins of the Realm with which to buy wheels and wood, or to pay the workers of the Guild of Cart Makers as much as they had been accustomed to receiving.
Seeing this, His Obamaness told His Exchequer, Sir Tiny Tim of Geithner, to place many coins inside The Chrysler’s bank. Now it should be known that the Cart Makers gave His Obamaness much support during His race to become POTUS. He owed them.
But, as the gods of fate would dictate, all the Realm’s money and all the Realm’s men couldn’t put The Chrysler together again.
So, in His benevolent wisdom, His Obamaness gave The Chrysler one moon to find a better way to make carts.
After that moon passed, The Chrysler came before His Obamaness to display its new cart-making talents. But He was neither impressed, nor pleased. Why exactly is not known. It may have been that The Chrysler did not abide by the great cart-making goal His Obamaness had earlier announced to the people.
It was at this time that His plan to remake The Chrysler in His own clean image emerged: The cart-maker that would make clean ox carts would be largely owned by Hisownself and the Guild of Cart Makers.
All went well with this plan, right up until the day the Evil Speculators spoke.
Now, the Evil Speculators represented people who had loaned The Chrysler many coins of the Realm with the promise that if Chrysler’s ox carts were not favored, they would be near the head of the line to receive their coins back when The Chrysler’s bank ruptured.
The time came for all the parties involved to sign an agreement. With His power over language, His Obamaness had persuaded all those who stood with The Chrysler to take less than they were owed. That is, all except the Evil Speculators.
“[His Obamaness] said Chrysler LLC lenders who turned down his buyout offers are a ‘small group of speculators’ who forced the [cart maker] into bankruptcy.
‘A group of investment firms and hedge funds decided to hold out for the prospect of an unjustified taxpayer-funded bailout,’ [His Obamaness] said today in Washington before Chrysler filed for bankruptcy protection.”
Now, upon hearing themselves much maligned by His Obamaness, and facing a ruptured bank magistrate who would rule on their cause, the Evil Speculators scribed a document for the people to consider. It told how they, too, represented retirees and pension funds. And how, according to Chapter 11 of the Law Book of the Realm, they were entitled to favored treatment beyond His Obamaness’ offer to get back 29 of every 100 coins they had placed into The Chrysler’s bank.
In the street language of the day, the Evil Speculators felt they were getting screwed, hosed, the shaft, and dumped on — all at the same time.
But, alas, little heed was given to the Evil Speculators since the Guild of Town Criers favored His Obamaness and the Guild of Cart Makers over the Evil Speculators. In those days, the Criers controlled most of what the people of the Realm knew, and much of what they thought.
It was while all this was happening that His Obamaness uttered the words that brought a great gasp from the people in wonderment over His power to change the meaning of words.
For on that day “bankruptcy,” once spoken aloud in the Land of Fiat as banca rupta (bank broken, or ruptured), experienced a Change and took on a new meaning of Hope.
Once a sign of weakness, bankruptcy now meant Strength.
And from that day forward small children would say, when asked by adults what they wanted to do when they grew up:
“Someday I want to build a strong company of my own, and drive it into bankruptcy.”
[For an explanation of the title of this series see this video.]
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