by John Lawrence

Liberal MP Pablo Rodriquez congratulates himself on something he doesn't quite understandWith the three Canadian opposition parties joining together to force the present Conservative government to honour Canada’s catastrophic commitment to Kyoto, Prime Minister Stephen Harper finds himself between a rock and a hard place.

Being told he must now do, by law, what the Liberals themselves failed to do with a majority mandate, Stephen Harper has two choices. He can abide by the new law or let his government fall. While the act compelling our government to enact legislation and to table a plan within 60 days is not yet officially the law of the land, it will no doubt sail through the Liberal dominated Senate, thus becoming a reality.

So, what is Mr. Harper to do about Kyoto? I have a few suggestions. They may sound outrageous, but given the timetable which the Liberals and NDP feel comfortable foisting upon Canadians, there is little room to maneuver.

Here is my short list:

1) Place an immediate ban on any scientist, their families immediate and extended, and any member of the World Wildlife Fund, the Sierra Club, and a host of other militant, political, environmental lobbies from owning, driving, and/or riding in a private vehicle. They must now use public transit for any and all transportation.

2) Close our borders immediately. There will be an immediate cessation of any immigration. Any non-resident who leaves our country will not be allowed to return and any non-resident not already within our borders will be denied entry. Our national birthrate is so low that our population should immediately begin to plummet. This will reduce our Co2 emissions.

3) End any and all grain and oil exports. While these do feed and fuel the needs of millions of foreigners, these goods need to be transported, thus creating Co2 emissions. Bad. Very bad.

4) Close the oil sands. Of course foreign investment would flee, but to hell with it. The oil sands are dirty. Just think of the thousands of people who will lose their shirts when real estate plummets in Alberta. This is good. Poor people don’t buy new goods, thus further reducing our Co2 emissions.

5) Immediately step down and install a temporary NDP government. World history shows that any nation ruled by Socialists fails quickly, with productivity plummetting exponentially. This will allow Canada’s Co2 targets to be met.

6) Pass draconian laws forbidding Canadians from copulation. Births create humans, humans hurt the planet. Childbirth must be STOPPED!

7) Enact legislation requiring all workers to work 40 hours straight with no breaks. That way, we can reduce the trips in our cars to and from work by an immediate 80%.

8) Place obscene taxes on gasoline, thereby inhibiting its purchase. We already have these, they simply need to be multiplied a few times.

9) Restrict the building of homes. Require all low and middle income earners to live together in communal buildings. This will conserve energy. (The wealthy will be exempt from this. We DON’T want a revolution, you know.)

10) Create huge human-powered turbines which, when thousands of people pedal, create huge energy stores. Require all able-bodied Canadians to give 15 minutes a week to pedal our way to a greener world.

11) Immediately begin to disassemble our transportation infrastructure, leaving only enough roadway for the almighty TTC to use.

12) Immediately ban the use of any outdoor pleasure equipment that runs on fossil fuels. Fun is for earth-killers! No more snowblowers, lawnmowers, or outboard motors either. Paddles are in, as is long grass for hide-and-seek. The ban on snowblowers will cause more heart attacks as older people shovel, thus compounding the Co2 reductions.

13) Ensure that all new housing contains no electrical wiring. No power = no Co2 emissions.

14) Duplicate the blackout of 2003 on an annual basis. Turn everything off for 30 days, effecting a direct 8.3% reduction in Co2 emissions from our energy producers with untold spinoffs throughout the country.

While each of these sounds absurd, I can guarantee you that the end result of each would be lower Co2 emissions. And after all, that is the new god of liberalism. Nothing else matters, does it?

We will submit. All Hail, Mr. Suzuki.

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