My State of the Union Address


My State of the Union Address

by Thomas Lindaman


My fellow Americans, I come before you today (or tonight, depending on when you read this) to talk to you about the state of the United States. Sure, President Bush beat me to it, but hey, he’s the President and has access to “the Button.” And nothing ruins a morning like having a tactical nuke blow up in your bedroom. Especially on a Monday.


Right now America is at a crossroads. The Democrats have control of one house of Congress and a shaky majority in the Senate. How shaky? Michael Moore eating Jello on the San Andreas Fault during a 5.6 on the Richter Scale shaky. What this means to the state of the union has yet to be seen because they haven’t had a chance to prove themselves. Given some the particulars involved, we may be waiting until 2008 to see what they have to offer us.


The economy is still chugging along like Ted Kennedy in a drinking contest on St. Patrick’s Day. Or Tuesday, for that matter. We have low unemployment and low taxes, meaning not only are people finding work, they’re keeping more of the money they’re earning. So, why do most Americans think the economy is in the crapper? Because most Americans have been listening to the Democrats and the media. And I’m here to tell you that neither one knows enough about how the economy works to be credible. Let’s not forget that the Democrats have Jimmy Carter’s astronomically high interest rates and Bill Clinton’s Enron-esque “budget surpluses” on their resumes.


The war on terrorism continues. We’ve seen success and we’ve seen failure. We’ve seen the Iraqi people try, convict, and execute Saddam Hussein. We’ve seen many of our soldiers be killed by those who have a vested interest in seeing us lose the war on terrorism. We’re at a crossroads here, too. We can’t continue to do things the way we have been, and we can’t turn around and go home without looking like the French. So, today (or tonight), I’m hereby starting Operation Kick Ass and Take Names. It’s very simple. We let the American military kick ass and take names. Against that, al Qaeda and the other terrorist nations out there don’t stand a chance.


Another area where we need to improve is in the area of illegal immigration. It’s clear that neither Democrats nor Republicans really want to deal with the issue for any number of reasons, mainly that I don’t think they know how to do it. A fence won’t work because the illegals have a tunnel system. Fining the companies the hire illegals won’t help because then they’ll just resort to fake documents to avoid getting caught. There’s only one way I can think of to stem the tide of illegal immigration.


Genetically engineered cyborg monkeys.


Monkeys are known for throwing their poo at each other. Imagine if they were to use that ability to protect our borders. With cybernetic laser targeting and they will do the rest. Sure, it may freak out Charlton Heston, but we can build in a failsafe device to prevent them from using their poo-flinging abilities for evil instead of good. And if they work out on the border, we can send them to the front to fight terrorists. It’s a win-win situation, and it will be big with the people because everybody loves monkeys.


Finally, I want to address one of the biggest conflicts in the world today. Shi’ite vs. Sunni? Nope. Israel vs. Palestine? Not even close. I want to bring an end to the Rosie O’Donnell-Donald Trump feud. Listen, I think the two of you are irrelevant little publicity-seeking scumbags, but I’m tired of hearing the two of you bicker. So, I have a solution: a steel cage match. Get Vince McMahon to sign off on it and it will happen in time for Wrestlemania. The two of you, a 15-foot high steel cage, and a stipulation that the loser apologizes for being an ass and then shuts up for one full year. No disqualifications, weapons are allowed (and heavily encouraged by this commentator), and I’ll even act as special referee. That way, no one will get an unfair advantage because I think you both suck.


Overall, the United States is in pretty good shape. If we can weather the Britney Spears-Kevin Federline divorce, we can withstand anything.


Thank you, and may God bless America.


Thomas Lindaman is a Staff Writer for the New Media Alliance, Inc. and The New Media Alliance is a non-profit (501c3) national coalition of writers, journalists and grass-roots media outlets. He is also Publisher of 

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